ARE YOU COMMITTED TO YOUR HAPPINESS?
Today I’m going to talk about how your commitments have an impact on your happiness. What you have right now in your life is no accident. You chose all of it. Even if you “abdicated your power to someone else,” you made a choice there, too.
I’m bringing this up because I recently had to assess where I stand with my financial affairs. Being truly happy also means being responsible for your actions. I chose to move out and to be free. But with that came the responsibility of paying bills and taking care of my business the smart way.
And just like anyone, I have my own fear. What I’ve learned is to allow the feeling to come without suppressing it. Then I address it and talk it over. I also create a “state of mind” shift, like putting on nice music and keeping negative thoughts and doubts away so that I can keep a positive mind.
When fear set in, change the mood to shift your thoughts to a positive state of mind
All that said, though, I sometimes get destabilized. This is what happened to me the other day. I was talking to my friend and sharing the situation I was in. She said, “Well, Nadia, the problem is, you left without a plan B.”
This made me think. She was right! I had no plan B. But that was my choice because I was fully committed to my happiness. And to me, having a plan B meant not being committed to leaving the house.
DO YOU HAVE A PLAN B?
Only when you’re committed will you receive what you truly desire. If you have a plan B, you’re always going to be dancing between plan A and plan B. Let’s say, for example, you want to have your own business, but you also have a day job. And you always wonder how you’re going to make it without the steady paycheck. So you say, “Okay, I’ll work at my job until I have clients.” The thing is, you never get clients because you can never focus on the business or the program you want to release or whatever it is you want to sell. So you always end up going in a circle.
Now, mind you, this story is not only limited to being an entrepreneur. This “plan B” concept can also occur in a relationship. Let’s say you long for a long-term intimate relationship with a partner but you’re going out with multiple people and you never commit to anyone. Let’s explore what’s keeping you away from commitment.
FEAR OF COMMITMENT
Without really knowing it, people often have a fear of commitment. Where does that come from? I think all of us have a different reason why we’re afraid of commitment. Sometimes it’s because we’re afraid of being judged. Sometimes we don’t even know why we cannot commit, except that we’re modeling our parents (and maybe our parents are that way because of their own parents). So you allow yourself to live with someone’s fear, thinking it’s your own. Only when you become conscious and only when you start asking questions will you see where your fear truly comes from.
Most of the time, we’re afraid of “what if we make a mistake,” or what if the person we choose to have a relationship with turns out to not be the right one? If you seek happiness, you’ve got to let go of the “what if” and decide at some point. In my experience, the longer you wait, the longer you delay being happy, and this can be painful.
My friend Katie longs for a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. But she’s afraid of committing. And I feel that she’s afraid of committing to being happy, even though she deserves to have a man in her life. Some of her fears come from her upbringing. Her mom felt that she wasn’t good enough to “have a nice man” and ended up with a controlling one. So, the thing is, Katie’s mom passed on her fear and told her daughter that all men out there are controlling. Now, that was Katie’s mom’s fear, not Katie’s. However, Katie has latched onto it and may not even realize that’s what she’s doing.
HAVING A LOW THERMOSTAT SETTING
Another thing that may stop you from committing is having a low thermostat setting. We’re afraid to commit to our happiness. Oftentimes, it’s set by our parents before age five. At the core, there’s a sense of not deserving — meaning we cannot fathom being successful in life. I mentioned in a previous episode that my dad did shady things with money when I was young. And because we lived in a small village, well, guess what? Everybody knew what was going on.
When I started dating my first boyfriend, my mom said, “This boy is not good for you, his father works in a factory.” I looked at my mom and said, “If people judge me by what my father does, I will not go far in life, will I?” However, all that said, with that awareness, I have to admit that in some ways, some of my low self-worth came from my family and how I was raised. And addressing these issues were part of my growth when it came to how I loved myself back to life.
GETTING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Committing to your happiness requires getting out of your comfort zone. Staying in your zone of familiarity is easy and comfortable but not necessarily exciting. You may be living in an abused relationship right now, which is not safe and it’s not exciting. But it’s easier to stay there because you’re terrified of what’s out there. It could be better, or it could be worse. But since you don’t know, you stay in that unhealthy relationship.
So to go after your happiness, you’ve got to be willing to get out of your comfort zone. It doesn’t have to be an extreme case of being in an abusive relationship. Let’s say you want to learn to play guitar. It will require that you change something to get what you truly desire. You may have to take a class and make a sacrifice of letting go of your favorite TV show to make space for this new thing you want to do. That’s what it means to be committed: to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen, which may include ignoring all the negative comments about your new goals.
About a year ago, I came across a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. The book talks about how to tap into your zone of genius. I’m going to paraphrase some parts of his book here. Gay says there are four hidden barriers that limit us.
- Fear of being flawed
This implies that there’s something wrong with you, and if you expand in your life, you won’t succeed because people who are flawed are not successful. To keep your fear from being exposed, you choose to play safe and small.
- Disloyalty and abandonment
Here you’re afraid you’ll end up alone and disloyal if you climb up in life. Or you may wonder what your friend will think of you when you make bold choices in the pursuit of happiness.
- More success will bring a bigger burden
This is a very sensitive subject, as so many of us are born by “accident” rather than being planned. I know firsthand how this feels, as I heard my mother saying for years, “I should have stopped at the first child.” Now, I’m not so bad, as I’m the third, but my heart always went out for my two younger siblings. Looking at it from an adult’s perspective, this kind of comment makes me feel like I was a burden in society. And for the longest time, I didn’t dare put myself out there because I felt as if what I had to say wasn’t worth saying.
- The crime of outshining
Sometimes we’re afraid of making someone else feel bad if we outshine them. Again, this comes from childhood, how our parents made us feel in regards to other siblings. The thing is, it’s the law of nature to expand. Look at trees and how they grow. They don’t ask for permission. Look at your paved asphalt and see what grows between the cracks. Nature does not stop growing. But for some reason, we prevent ourselves from achieving our full potential.
The point I’m making here is that growth is normal and it’s important, yet we were taught to stifle our talent to prevent our siblings or cousins from feeling uncomfortable. In my case, I was regarded as an “attention-seeking child.” I always had to diminish my energy.
Another thing to address in regards to your commitment to your happiness is your incompletions. I talked a lot about that in Episode 7. Your incompletions will prevent you from commitment because they act as energy drains. You start something and leave it halfway done. Every time you see it, you think, “Oh my God, I’ve got to address this.” But then you don’t have the time, so you don’t address it. And eventually you may have five or even ten things surrounding you and now your thoughts are no longer focused on your goal of happiness. Instead, your thoughts are focused on the stuff that you have around you that’s not finished. It creates limitations. It’s like a magnet that brings you back to the old instead of helping you expand to the future.
It’s the same with a relationship. Some people want to get out of a relationship, but they’re not sure if they can make it. So they look for a new one before they leave the old one behind. Well, no two objects or people can occupy the same space at the same time. And the best way to commit to your happiness is to close your incompletions before starting a new journey. It will also give you more energy.
THE POWER OF VISUALIZATION
Something essential to address when it comes to being committed is the “power of visualization.” Everyone who wins something visualized it first. Then they developed their muscle around it, until they mastered their craft. This is figuratively speaking. But the point is, you will get what you see. And the word “get” here is important. I’m not referring to accumulating things. I’m saying “get” as in getting the feeling inside. Like when someone tells a joke and you have to think about it for a while, but then you say, “Oh! I get it!” This is what I’m saying by “get it.” It’s something you feel. And that’s what the power of visualization can do for you. It applied to me when I moved to my beautiful apartment. At first, I thought maybe I should sublet. Then I thought, maybe I should rent a room in someone’s home. But it didn’t feel right. And the more I visualized, the more I realized I wanted my space. I’m living proof that visualization works.
ARE YOU DETERMINED TO GROW OR NOT?
Here’s an essential question: are you determined to grow or not? Do you wish to succeed or do you have excuses?
Another point that’s important to talk about is the choice of your words. You have to choose carefully what you say and what you feel because your choice of words and feelings determine your future.
I attended a presentation once where I somehow didn’t connect with the lady on stage. She seemed to be talking from her head rather than her heart. I can tell when someone is speaking from the heart because I cannot get distracted. However, when that person was talking, I found myself fidgeting and looking around. I was bored. Then she said: “You have to fake it until you make it.” And when I heard that coming from her, the light bulb went on and I realized, “Ah, that’s what’s different. I’ve heard that sentence said before, but it didn’t have that same vibrational feeling.” When she said it, she was actually faking her ability to speak on stage. And it transpired. Her presentation wasn’t authentic.
All that said, you may ask: is it worth going to public events? Absolutely, if you’re open to receiving the information. And bear in mind, it’s not only about the person who’s presenting. The person sitting next to you may change your life forever.
You see, trainers and mentors are there to uplift you. They are your eyes when you cannot see. Not in term of being blinded, but sometimes you’re at the same height as everyone else in the crowd. When you reach out to a mentor or a trainer, that person will share her or his experience with a new perspective because they’re looking at things from a different angle. They see it from past experience. What this does is it will shorten the time it takes you to figure things out.
And by the way, there is no such thing as living a guaranteed life. What you wish for in life will materialize. If you choose to be happy and look for solutions and silver linings, you will attract happiness. But if you constantly think negatively or look for problems, you will attract problems.
In conclusion, the big question is: are you committed to being happy or not? Are you willing to do whatever it takes or will you go back to what’s familiar when life gets challenging?
If you chose to be happy, just know that only after you commit will you see the results. Not the other way around. Only in seeing will you be able to define your next course of action. What’s important is to create goals that align with your vision.
Listen to the Podcast: http://nadiafleury.com/009-are-you-committed-to-your-happiness/
If you have any questions or comments, just reach out at email@example.com
References Hendricks PhD, Gay. The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (p. 45-55). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.